I'm shaking and crying because this month has been the worst and now it's almost over and I don't know why I'm feeling so bad but it's kind of cathartic I guess. I hope I see it that way soon because right now it just feels like I'm being stabbed all over my body and I can't make it stop.

In the month of May, 2013:

• My estranged sister Brooke passed away from brain cancer none of us knew she had, and when we found out it was too late. It was probably too late from the start they said but that doesn't make me feel better about it.
• My best friend in the whole world, Kristin, committed suicide.
• My first cousin was hit by a car and died on the scene, she was one of the few people I was close with besides my dead best friend. Her funeral is tomorrow and until a few hours ago I thought I'd finally be able to go formally say goodbye to someone I've lost but that's not the case anymore. Her name was Lily and she was so close to my age it hurts to think about.

That's just the really bad stuff, there's other bad stuff but it's not worth mentioning. I was so ready for this month to be over so I could move on but now I feel like I've placed all my energy into making this month horrible on my own terms that I don't think I'm ready for June. There's only a few hours left in May and I'm afraid for it to be midnight because that means I have to feel better.

I'll write more when I'm more coherent.

Love,
Katy

My boyfriend Sev told me I should write another book. He works overnight and I have to amuse myself for the 12 hours he's gone, unless I fall asleep. Which isn't often. I'm a terrible sleeper.

I figured I'd start here until the mood strikes me to write longer entries that could turn into chapters. Or maybe I'll just turn these thoughts into a book, who knows? I'd love to actually get one of my novels published, rather than letting them collect dust on my bookshelf in almost-finished form. Perpetually almost-finished is what they've been for years, but no one knows but me. And my boyfriend, of course, which is precisely why he wants me to write more.

I don't think I'll be writing much unless I have something interesting to say. This post doesn't count because every blog needs a first post that's boring so people can know to expect more. I hope someone reads this and lets me know they do so, that way I'll feel like I'm doing this for someone other than myself. Which would be nice.

Call me Katy. That's not my name, but it'll do for now.